A journey on becoming my own doctor…

I have been through a lot of emotional, mental pain this year for reasons that are not yet certain to me. And now I am in physical pain. But in time of crises I realise that the only person who can truly help me is me. Maybe Greece should follow my lead, but when was politics ever a good example? 

Self harm is serious, more serious than I had ever experienced. It is NOT cool, it is embarrassing and deeply lonely. I know I am not the only one with struggles but there must be an end to all of this! And it can’t be our lives, because the life given to us is so special and we shouldn’t want to take it away. 

I hope if you find it in yourself to realise that you don’t hate yourself but the person you let yourself become. All we need to do is say:

I love myself,

I am my own best friend,

I am important,

I am loved and wanted.

Nothing should be able to shadow the truth. Angry should be avoided, fear should be avoided because without even realising- they were the core factors to terrible outcomes. So I will become my own doctor and heal myself and live a happy life, because I deserve it and owe it to God and my family. 

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Excuse me but I don’t know you..

“I’ve lost weight right?” She asked me. And I looked at her like she was crazy and only for a split second because I didn’t want her to know I knew she was fucked in the head. I didn’t know who this woman was but she had burst into the cinema while I was in waiting for the adverts to begin for Ted 2. She started saying hi and asked if she could sit next to me and the aliens had clearly abducted my mind so I said sure. Straight away she mentioned her boyfriend had left her just yesterday and instantly I thought she was trying to make herself seem vulnerable so I will let my guard down and she will stab me and run away. But I played along and said “aw how sad.” She started asking me for advice and said her ex was mentally ill. And I started to think maybe she was mentally ill too. I mean I go to the cinema alone by choice so that I can watch a film in peace and think about life and my goals and binge on salty popcorn, not listen to a stranger blab on about her life that is not even remotely interesting. She asks me if she has lost weight and that was the final straw for me. I started to ignore her as the film began. But she started asking me things and commenting on scenes. So I could not wait till the end of the film to walk out in case she would try follow me home. I was only about 20/30 minutes into the film when I grabbed my shopping bags and ran out. “Take care” she yelled behind me. I felt a bit bad, maybe she was sad and lonely but it freaked me out because I hate overly friendly strangers. 

The truth is no, she probably didn’t lose weight Becuase she looked a bit obese. And on the way home I encountered a few odd things like the bus terminated early and I had to walk a mile or two to get home and on the way a lady on a bike nearly got ran over buy a car trying to reverse into a major road like a dickhead. I have more than one reason to never go back outside again. This is the reason why I only go out early and on weekdays. 

It’s a big crazy world out there… Brace yourselves. 

My period and its revenge! 

Women go through a monthly cycle and the body prepares for a baby. But when the baby doesn’t arrive, the body releases the home and that means blood! Blood and more blood!

Usually I stay home- I know it isn’t an illness and normal life should carry on all the same but for me it is an illness, it’s a disease! I mean you’re bleeding out of your huuuhaaa but its considered normal. But as I say I usually sleep throughout my period and muscle the pain internally- I feel uncomfortable being away from the toilet in case I need it. 

This one time I had to run some errands I mean no one could do them besides me. I had no other choice but to leave my home on my period- and on its heaviest day. (This mean the day it flows the most- sorry tmi) so I did all the things I had to do and at the end of it my friend and I went into a resteruant. I was glad to be sitting down and thought to myself going out on my period wasn’t all bad in fact I should try it more often. We finished with our meal and was about to leave when I got up the wrong way- went sideways by accident and the flow missed my pad and landed on my jeans! (Not a tampon person) I knew straight away and so I rushed to the wc in my ninja like way and inspected the situation. It wasn’t looking too good. My grind had to go to the shops near by and buy me something new to wear. I was annoyed that she bought me white jeans in a size too small for me. But I had to fit into it and leave without creating a bigger chaos. I squeezed my body inside and promised myself that this was the last time I would ever leave my home like this. I was notified when waiters noticed my change of clothes. I never did pay my friend back for the new jeans. And surpsingly this was not the last time it happened. 

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Two fat gypsies and an elevator…

Going on holiday is exciting. You at least expect it to be day three before anything weird happens. But my holiday to Izmir, Turkey welcomed me to its weirdness on day one. 

You elevators (lifts if you are British) they always have that warning that reads “only 500kg” or “maximum ten people” but you always ignore it as nothing ever happens back at home. This particular elevator said 4 people max. I was waiting for the elevator when two very large women jumped in front of me. They ran in straight away as they held on to their bucket of flowers they were selling and began to nibble on sunflower seeds. So I went inside followed by 5 other members of my family. We were all women. 

The gypsies started moaning and said some of us should take the stairs. I was stubborn as it was our lift first. As it went down suddenly it came to a stop and through the sliding glass doors we could see 3/4th wall and 1/4th glass. (I’m terrible at maths, just pretend you get it) 

Of course with my undiagnosed panic attack I began to terrorise everyone and remanded freedom. My cousin began to bang on the glass to get someone’s attention while the gypsies started saying I told you so and carried on with their sunflower seeds. 

After a few minutes I started posing for selfies and laughed about the situation. Then an old man knelt down and asked how many people were stuck inside. We said 7 and he’s reply was “well, it will take them half and hour to get you out!” While only displaying ten fingers. (I’m not the only one thats bad at maths) with that responds I saw that my aunts glasses where started the stream up. And so I panicked again and thought we’d all die from lack of oxygen. Someone pulled open the doors for fresh air and the gypsies said we should be careful not to fall down through the gap. And so I pulled the doors shut. And remembered all the horror films I ever watched. And all the news about Brits dying aboard. I imagined us trying to climb out of the door and onto the platform and the lift suddenly moving down and splitting our bodies in half. My mind was a dangerous place. 

Then my mother had an idea that we should shift the weight away and so we moved about and suddenly the lift started going down… “Why are they pulling us down, why won’t they pull us up?!!” I panicked again but it does make more sense to bring the weight down rather than up. I guess we saved ourselves. 

Now you know what to do if you ever get stuck. Though this wasn’t the first nor last time it happened to me. 

Getting wet in public!

Have you ever went into something thinking that you’re going to be scared out of your mind because you have heard so much about this one place? 

I’m talking about London Dungeons. I’m not a tourist but I sure as hell pretend to be. It’s fun to explore your own city and see all the opportunities out there. So that’s where we went. The dungeons- it was suppose to scary as fuck. We got our tickets and waited in line. Anticipation- oh the tension was on the high. 

But! It turns out that you are part of a narrative that they have created that is supposed to be frightening. Seriously though, it was like a walk in a park at night time. The only thing that made it slightly disturbing was not knowing what was going to happen. The boat ride was okay but the best bit was the freefall at the end of the tour of old London. Again it wasn’t Scary, it was surprising. I looked really ugly in the picture (not my fault…) and the shop at the end was standard. 

The real fun started after the dungeons. The area around London Eye is fantastically entertaining. It wasn’t an extremely hot day but they had loads of sprinkles shooting out of the floor (I don’t know what it’s called) but we spontaneously decided to run though it. There is nothing better than getting soaked in public. I was wet to my core and shivering as the wind hit my clothes. It was fun! The confused faces of people just stepping out of the tube was priceless. That’s how you trick people into thinking that’s it’s raining. This could be a tactic for umbrella sellers- pour a bucket of water on yourself and convince people that they need a mobile shelter.

“This was scarier than the dungeons” became the catch-phrase of the day. There are more scary things in London for sure. Like getting hit by a giant red bus or slipping in your own sweat. 

No you may not put it up my nose!

For as long as I could remember I have had ringing in my ears and after 5 years my GP has decided to address my problem and send me to an ENT specialist. 

It was a posh place and I felt awesome for being granted privileges to enter rich people’s clinic. After a short wait I went to see a doctor who was fairly nice. He asked me questions about my hearing and examined my ears. But little did I know what his real intentions were! Sorry if this sounds dramatic but I assure you that I mean it to be. He took out a wire with a camera and light on the end and asked to put it in my nose and back down my throat to see what was going on down there (as I was worried my speech was becoming impaired) 

I was confused and couldn’t decide whether or not to let him penetrate my nose with a camera. “It may make your eyes tears up and it will feel slightly unconfortable.” He said. That didn’t for me, I refused and he did not persist. I can never trust a doctor with a camera. 

Just not my thing. 

I was kissed by a stranger!

I suppose it’s usual thing with kids these days. Mind you I’m in my early twenties and I find this story quite disturbing. But there is something wonderful and kindness of strangers, however having them wave at you and coming to your car and extending an arm out in a friendly manner for a handshake is one thing and having them kissing you is another! 

There I was minding my own business. I don’t own my own business, I was just causally leaning against the wall of Oxfor Circus tube station by the barriers waiting for my friend who was half an hour late. I always thought I was the one late to meet ups but maybe I should erase this personality trait from my mind as it hardly belongs to me. I’m always the one waiting but I can’t complain as I encounter many things a I’m on the wait. I suggest you go to your meet up extra early just to see what happens, and you may even get there on time if you try your hardest. 

Anyway there I was checking my social media and begging people to talk to me and keep me company on whatsapp. With a longer of thought: this is brilliant I’ve been here nearly 20 minutes and no one has hit on me yet! Not that I get hit on or anything but I always fear this from happening as this is all I hear from the safety freaks around me: oh be careful someone might try an talk to you. And that is exactly what happened! At first.

A guy in shorts just came and stood right next to me, I noticed you don’t have any other belonging apart from the hoodie he was holding on his hand. He asked me who I was waiting for? At first I thought he was asking me what time it was so I persisted in telling him 1 o’clock. But when I actually clocked what he was saying I said “oh, just my friend.” He asked if he was a boyfriend and I laughed and said no. That’s when the abjectly hit and I started thinking why is this guy speaking to me, I mean why would he talk to me, this is so strange! And right then on que a woman came up to us and asked him why he touched her shoulder on the way up the escalators. I zoned out of their conversation and backed away thinking that this was the perfect sene for a YouTube prank, I looked around for cameras and tried to imagine viewers thinking: yeah, good on her, she didn’t fall for it. 

So the lady left and he asked for my number. I said no, but I could see that he was overly confident and the fact that he said I was “fucking beautiful”- his words not mine, made me feel bad that I was rejecting him. So then he asked for a kiss. I gave him the wildest look ever! Like are you crazy? He then added “on the cheek?” So I remembered but to other YouTube videoed where they fooled the person and ended up kissing them on the lips. So I turned my face to the far, far left as he planted a kiss on my cheek or somewhere around there and ran away up the stairs. There he goes, I thought- the one that got away. I played Katy perry’s song in my mind as I waited for him to return and show me where the camera was and that I can wave. But he never returned.